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Wednesday, December 14, 2016

The realization that I am not alone..

It has been a while since I was here...
And I have been debating with myself for a very long time whether or not should I write about it. But recently I realized that the struggle is real and I am not alone on this road, unfortunately.
Yes, don't get me wrong that I am and feel blessed for my children and for the privilege of witness each and every phase of life they go through. But there are days when I don't feel it, and it drains me to a point where I have no idea what I am doing.
Just as it marks the 10th  Anniversary since my BA graduation, I started to think about my life and how far have I came. I wouldn't say at all that abandoning my career was a mistake and I don't regret doing it. Besides I am living one of my dreams: motherhood. But there come times when I think about it and how would it be.
Being a wife and a mother is hard. Specially when you feel isolated and your only contact with the outside world is through the internet and social media. For most part I can't truly express my fears and feeling because I don't feel ready for the judgments. 
Then after watch a couple Ladies talking about their struggles after becoming mother's, it made me feel like I am not alone. Yes, just like them I am struggling, but unlike many of them I have no one to trust about it, because for one: Every time I tried to express I got cut or dismissed, or for two the quickly and easy way through people's eye is:"why are you not on medication? It would be helpful!"
At some point I just stopped caring or acknowledging it. I started not caring anymore if I could not operate and was being bashed for not being emotionally able to move my physical body. There was a time when I would spend day and night on my bath robe... 
What saddens me is that most of the times the ones you trust to be lifting you up are able to do that for others while pushing you deep down.
I lost who I am and stopped caring for myself. And recently I found help through a group on Facebook. Yes, I got to "meet" a lady that decided to help me find who I am through the one who created me: God! She has been on my shoes and she knows my pain! And she was delivered!
The recovery process is at the beginning and the realization of the long road I still have to go can be a push back.  
But I want and need this reconnection. 
My only goal is to refind who I am and bring myself to live again.