Recently I was introduced to the text "Welcome to Holland.", and as I was reading it I couldn't help myself but get back to the time when my son was diagnosed with Sickle Cell Anemia through his Newborn Screen. Each paragraph could make me go back and revive since the first call from the Pediatrician asking if I knew of anyone in the family having it. In fact, now reading the text it makes me feel just s if the pilot was announcing the need to land somewhere else...
Yes, this text can illustrate exactly what life turned to be after the first appointment we had with a Hematologist. I was prepared and was for sure ready to have a child... Then there was a new piece that I knew nothing about but I decided to learn about it.
The guidelines for this new world made me cry and many times question "why".
I was scared and felt alone. And now when I think back it hurts knowing that I didn't enjoy each moment as I wished because of the fears.
At some point, I felt as I should stop looking for answers and knowledge about my new world. And I decided just enjoy motherhood even having this voice inside saying to be aware.
I internalized my fears and feelings about it and now I realized that if I had looked for ways to accept it and walk through, it wouldn't take me this deep.
It is hard to know or see, but I have been dealing with depression and lots of anger and anxiety since them.
Even though, I am blessed that I can find ways to keep my mind from taking me to the dark side. And among many ways, I found that reading and listening to others experience helps me cope with my fear.
There is a saying that goes like this: "Those who spending time giving their shoulders for others to cry, have no time to cry for themselves", and I believe it is true, at least for me. I think this Poem is very special and very touching, and I would really recommend that everyone, specially us,parents of special need children, read it, because in the end no matter what we become parents and our babies, despite all, come to teach us something special about life. It is a hard and full of struggling road, but it is a full of meanings journey, where we learn to enjoy and appreciate every little tiny step! :)